Lighter fluid

A woman I work with stood up yesterday and discovered she had been sitting on a wad of chewing gum.

“Get some ice,” someone said.

“Ice and a knife,” echoed another.

“Lighter fluid!” called out someone else.

We all froze, momentarily distracted from the mini-crisis at hand.

“Lighter fluid?”

“Yeah, I heard it gets gum out,” she responded.

Within ten minutes the gum was gone courtesy of ice and knife. But all day long I could not get the words ‘lighter fluid’ out of my head.

Why suggest a dark, noxious, flammable fluid that leaves stains for removing a light, sweet-smelling substance that will, in time, dry up and fall off?

Because sometimes mouths separate from heads and embark on rogue, guerilla operations, science fiction movie style.

Regents exams began this week. They will continue until the end of next week. Each year we are all assigned two exams to proctor. It is an awfully boring task. We sit in a room for three hours staring at a bunch of kids bent over an exam booklet.

Every year, one teacher I work with tells everyone to wait until the last possible minute to report to the proctor room because this way, she says, we’ll be alternates and won’t actually have to proctor.

Every year a few people listen to her and every year every single one of them, including her, ends up proctoring. Yet she continues to hatch this plan, year after year.

We offer a pre-AP class at my school called Spanish Four. The other day a student asked a teacher where Spanish Four is spoken.

It’s amazing, the things that come out of these disembodied mouths. But, then again, perhaps not. Look at the mouth we elected to be the voice of the free world.

So I say put lighter fluid on that spot of coffee, try to get out of proctoring next year’s Regents, and travel to a Spanish-Four-speaking country for your next vacation.

After all, and I quote,

"There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again."